Micromanagers And Control Freaks
How to identify control freaks and handle the situation?
Micromanagers and Control Freaks (How to identify the controller and handle the situation)
Do you have a supervisor micromanaging every aspect of your work, often correcting you and not trusting in your skills, and capacities? Or a manager that does not welcome feedback or ideas for improving company processes, strategies, or standard operating procedures? Or a partner that feels like a dictator, for forcefully directing your steps and watching over you like a police person? Perhaps it’s a parent, sibling, or friend who often wants their way.
Control is primarily evidenced in 3 types of relationships:
Couples and partners.
Friends, family, and colleagues.
Work (between managers and subordinates).
If it looks or feels like it’s restraining your freedom, questioning your trust, or manipulating your decisions, you may be in a relationship where control is being exerted upon you.
“Control freak” is a widely used non-clinical term in psychology, which first appeared around the 1970s. I think it is demeaning and offensive, even though controlling people may get on our nerves. The term “freak” is used to describe a person, animal, or plant with an unusual physical abnormality. Therefore, I will refer to them as controllers or control seekers.
Controllers usually have a psychological need to be in charge of things, people, and circumstances that cannot be controlled. They may want to exert pressure on someone to do things how they see fit.
Controllers tend to:
Be perfectionists- want things their way and manipulate or pressure others to their liking.
Suffer from obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) or high anxiety, emotional issues, insecurities, or paranoias.
Seek codependency as a symptom of fearing abandonment (infidelity, new job prospect, empty nest, etc.).
Want power and authority. They want to be in charge always, at all stages and in all circumstances.
Resist change and want everyone else to change to fit their worldview.
Have a hard time admitting when they're wrong
Be charismatic, witty, and wonderful at first and in public, but the control shows up privately.
Be manipulators with strong persuasive skills.
Feel the need to correct others when they're wrong.
Sometimes, the controller is that person who is pointing fingers and accusing/judging others for wanting to be in control.
Controllers don't only want to have their way with people, but also have their way with processes so they can achieve their desired outcome, or at the very least, try to. This can be extremely frustrating because so much in life is beyond our control.
Quick facts about control:
Control kills freedom
Control subtracts trust
Control reflects your own insecurities and fears
A controlling partner
Finding love is not easy. But we shouldn't make compromises when it comes to our independence and autonomy. If your partner expects a log of where you’d be going every day, at what time and with whom, you are in a controlling and unhealthy relationship. Maybe you are even expected to provide an update every couple of hours. I have been in two controlling relationships in the past, and they were emotional disasters. A relationship that fosters personal freedom and values trust, is empowering.
Family and friends seeking control
Control within family dynamics may show up in different ways and prove challenging when the family cares and loves each other deeply. Children get married, and significant others change the quantity of time spent with parents. Empty nesters want their children close. Sometimes it results from siblings competing for attention or seeking control or protagonism in a family business. Death of parents, as well as family trusts are other complex issues that may lead siblings to fight each other for control.
At work
At the workplace, control may come along with power which is a killer combo. It may be evidenced in controlling micromanagers obsessed with details or colleagues that compete for praise or your job, thereby inserting tension.
Micromanagement is a leadership issue that hinders the capacity of individuals and limits the power of teams working together. The focus on minor details may often lead to failure in the major scheme.
Many micromanagers are narcissists. Unfortunately, employees and society accept the fact because they are impressed with the results. This is an ethical issue because you cannot justify a controlling relationship based on results. The end doesn't justify the means.
Take, for example, the "results" of Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, and others who were known to be tough and controlling over their workforce, but given their success, they were rarely questioned.
A good leader fosters trust and freedom, just like a healthy partner or friend.
How to handle control seekers (in a nutshell):
Identify the behavior. Remember that it is not you, it is them. A domineering person insists and justifies the behavior as a valid response to your personality, attitude/tone, actions, or body language.
Get away. You don't need that toxic stress in your life. Be polite and intentional.
Show it. Use your body language to reinforce your distancing.
Say no. Practice saying ‘no’ without going into excuses.
Buddy up with someone you trust that can help see the situation with further clarity.
Boost your self-confidence to stay anchored.
If you happen to identify yourself as a controller after reading this, take some time to reflect on how exhausting and how much anxiety you are adding to your life by wanting to control everything. Equally important, if you find yourself to be the controller, don't get defensive. You think you mean well, but the behavior is unjustifiable and, in the end, it can become abusive. Consider getting help to change your behavior.
When was the last time you felt controlled by someone? Be honest with yourself; when was the last time you sought control over someone?
Thanks for reading. Hope you've enjoyed the issue this week. Please share if you think your friends will find value. If you got it from a friend, subscribe here.
Talk to me. Send me comments, links, ideas, and questions. Just hit reply to my email and I’ll get your message directly.
Your fellow human,
-Jorge Fusaro