How do life experiences shape our identity?

There are many personal and external factors (pandemic included) and experiences growing up that shape who we are. For me, parenting is one-way my identity has been impacted for the best.

Cecily Brown, The Picnic, 2006. © Cecily Brown, Photo: Gagosian

How do life experiences shape our identity?

We are coming close to 3 years plagued with diseases, social distancing, fears, regulations, limitations, lockdowns, war, economic turmoil, abuses of power, and political extremism that have undoubtedly impacted our identities. Whenever it seems we are finally coming out of the weeds, a new virus strand pops up somewhere, a nation is on alert, or something else is on the verge of boiling and burning.

The way we process and assimilate the external factors above paints a broad picture of our society’s mental and emotional health today. Society shapes who we are, and our collective and personal identities shape society. A solid foundation is formed, for good or for worse, as we go through different stages of development into adulthood. Nonetheless, identities are not permanent, as we continually evolve and grow. We add and subtract values, opinions, beliefs, preferences, and other factors that shape who we are and who we choose to be in the world. The good news is that we can always change and get professional help. Every day is a new opportunity to try something new.

I am naturally drawn to question and think about everything or put it in a different way, I can’t stop asking and thinking about everything. It is how my mind is wired. Therefore, I have been thinking a lot about how this time of social distancing plus becoming a father shapes my identity and my vision of the future.

Becoming a father is likely the most profound transformation I have experienced. Seeing my daughter, Eva for the first time pierced my heart with joy and gave me a higher sense of purpose, meaning, and focus in my family. As a man of many simultaneous projects, parenting has since become my most precious life project (along with my marriage) and it’s where I want to put my best every day. This full commitment to place family before anything is new and has mobilized me to evaluate priorities and make significant changes in my relationships, interests, and leisure activities. Specially rethink work and business to create a life around work instead of the other way around which is so common in the West and keeps us from living the fullness of life.

The relationships parents have with their children are crucial to how children develop their identities. Studies evidenced that nurturing relationships filled with affirmation and contentment, give children a high sense of self-worth and self-confidence, resulting in a healthy identity separate from that of their parents. After all, as parents, we strive to raise little humans to become independent persons with the capacity to think critically, ask the right questions, and make intelligent decisions. 

Historically, the world has assumed that women come programmed with a built-in maternity motherboard (pun intended) known as the maternal instinct. While all pregnant women that give birth, experience neurobiological and physiological changes, recent neuroscience research has shown that fathers and other devoted caretakers (not necessarily biological parents), may experience hormonal changes and the production of oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone released during intimate times of caring, nurturing, and affection. It is also referred to as the trust hormone because it creates a stronger and more permanent bond between the child and the parent. 

Based on the study, the structural neuroplasticity related to raising a child changes the brain of fathers, thereby shaping their identity as men. Men experience similar cognitive, physical, and emotional demands of caring for their newborns, without going through pregnancy. The emotional changes include salience, reward, motivation, and other neural circuits implicated in social understanding and cognitive empathy.

It is beautiful to see a world where fathers are increasingly more involved in parenting their children and more couples have agreed to redefine/redistribute roles and responsibilities once delegated strictly to women. Furthermore, this research sheds hope on contemporary societies where non-biological and/or non-binary parents are becoming primary caretakers. 

Parenting is one-way identity may be impacted. What life event has recently led you to rethink your identity? How has your vision for the future changed during this time?

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Your fellow human,
-Jorge Fusaro